sounds of my heart.

so tired...

Saturday, May 31, 200818:18

i keep asking
i keep crying
i keep wondering
i keep screaming

am i wrong?

am i wrong to ask him to be a guardian of my heart?

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i just can't believe this,,

Friday, May 30, 200813:25

and now i can't believe this..
my life has change in so may way..
in very different way..
and it goes to hell...

yes.
my life just in it way to hell..

i can't trust anyone anymore..

ANYONE..

again i feel this..

THE ONE I TRUST AND LOVE THE MOST WILL BE THE ONE WHO HURT ME THE MOST..

and i just can't believe the person is you..

i'm too deeply dissapointed..
to myself..
no one to be blame here..
just me..
just like before..
i'm the one who will be at fault..
i am guilty to have a faith that they or he or she or anyone won't hurt me...
but then i know..
hanging on someone would never be the right thing anymore..

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hatred of myself

Friday, May 23, 200821:24

where are you?
where are me?

were that you?
was this me?

are we really meant to be each other?
or we just want to built another memories that would hurt each other in the future?
or maybe just hurt me..
not you..
just me..

because i am the one who got insane here..
just like you said..

then..

where would we be?

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stupid me...

Wednesday, May 21, 200822:26

i've become the other me..
no one has change actually...
it just me who's change..
stupid me..
too many i've ask to him..
without think about his feeling..
and now..
i just can pray..
God can fix my stupidity..
fix everything..
to be done..

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ga ada gawe...

Sunday, May 18, 200815:04

hari ini sungguh membosankan..berdiam diri di rumah..ada kerjaan sih..kerjaan rumah seperti biasa..tapi entah mengapa berat rasanya mu beranjak dari depan komputer..hahahaha..
jadi aja berahir di blogger lagi..
o iyah..
gua belom bercerita..2 minggu yang lalu gua sakit..agak serem denger nama penyakitnya..radang kantung kemih kt dokernya..gara2nya kurang minum..dan setelah gua inget2 seminggu itu emg minum gua kurang banget..biasa kl di kampus bisa abis 2 botol, skarang 1 botol aja engga..dan ahirnya gua harus terkapar ga berdaya gituh d ranjang..soalnya kata si dokter ga boleh banyak gerak...duduk aja ga boleh terlalu lama katanya...*ga tau juga sih kl si dokternya yg agak lebay..(berlebihan)..ahahhahaha...*

kembali ke kegiatan hari ini..sekarang waktu menunjukkan pukul 3.25pm..dan sy sudah ada di depan komputer sejak pukul 11 siang tadi..dan tidak mengerjakan apa pun selain browsing dan menghabiskan waktu tuker2an testi sm bocel..hidup serasa mulai tak bernilai yah buat gua..ahahahahahha..

kemaren hari sabtu gua pegi sm ncek dan teman2 dale nya..(nat,jes,dita,adit,james,dey,pichan)..kita pegi ke lembang, makan d green forest lebih tepatnya..deket2 century hills situh..tempatnya keren pisan..jadi resto tp suasana nya mantep abis...d alam terbuka gt..trus dia nyediain
tempat duduk d sekitar api unggun gt..keren lah..ada saung2 yg sudah dmodernisasi..jadi ga ky saung d rumah makan sunda..soalnya ini pake kelambu2 gt tirainya...keren lah poko nya..dan asiknya kl kita mau poto di situ masih belom kena charge..sebaiknya segera merencanakan foto outdoor d situ ah..aahahahahahaha..pulangnya kita2 yg cewenya dikasi taneman semacem kaktus gt buat dbawa pulang..
trus pulang dari situ smua berencana mu kmana lagi gt..soalnya itu baru jam 10 malem..dan d situ gua baru menyadari,,makin k sini perasaan gua pulang smakin pagi..soalnya denger jam 10 aja yg kebayang d otak gua, si mama pasti udah lagi nungguin d rumah dgn wajawh garang nya, dan sepulangnya saya nanti pasti langsung dtatap penuh arti..ahahahahahah...padahal kl diinget2 lagi, dulu kl jam10 malem maen sm oonta, kl ada yang mau pulang, langsung dsindir.."gila, baru jam 10 udah mu pulang..malu kali sama pintu rumah!"
and now, am the one who think about to go home earlier..ahahahaha..ironis skali..ahahahahha..
jadi, mereka semua
memutuskan buat nongkrong lagi di hyper square...dan gua ahirnya memutuskan untuk pulang aja...soalnya kl diitung2 jg, turun dari lembang sampe k hyper udah jam 11 malem..jadi mendingan pulang aja deh..daripada ntar baru sampe rumah jam 1 malem kan keterlaluan nama nya...jadi gua sampe rumah berbenah diri, dan saat membuka tas, dompet ncek masih tertinggal di tas gua..dan gua juga baru sadar..taneman gua ktinggalan d mobil ncek..dan ncek bilang tanah nya tumpah..jadi pasti mobil ncek kotor..huhuhuhh..maap yah ncek...
ahirnya karena belom ngantuk, gua memutuskan buat merajut kembali sajah..abis asa ga beres2..dan sy udah janji sm ncek buat nyeleseiin syal nya sebelom ncek ulang taon...dan skarang setengah jalan aja belom..tp udah lumayan banya sih...nanti sy sertakan poto nya d bawah..ehehhehehe..

tangan gua berurat ky kuli yah..hahaha..

udah lumayan panjang kan eh kl dbandingin sm yg sblom nya...*liat post bulan lalu..*

umm apa lagi yah..
o iyah..hari ini jd iseng liat2 poto jaman hebeul para oonta..dan saya sungguh merindukan kalian smua...kapan yah bisa berkumpul bersama seperti itu lagi...
miss them so much..

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why?

Friday, May 16, 200816:51

Why, do you always do this to me?
Why, couldn't you just see through me?
How come, you act like this
Like you just don't care at all

Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall?
I could feel I could feel you near me, even though you're far away
I could feel I could feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

Hey, listen to what we're not saying
Let's play, a different game than what we're playing
Try, to look at me and really see my heart

Do you expect me to believe I'm gonna let us fall apart?
I could feel I could feel you near me, even when you're far away
I could feel I could feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

So go and think about whatever you need to think about
Go ahead and dream about whatever you need to dream about
And come back to me when you know just how you feel, you feel
I could feel I could feel you near me, even though you're far away
I could feel I could feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me

It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why?

found this song while browsing..really reflect my feeling this time lately..and i just can ask why why and why? and still i didn't have the answer..is he just refuse to give me the answer?
God please help me...i can't stand this..i've lost my man..i've lost the one i loved..i've lost love i've known bfore..i've lost the past him..i only see his form..not his heart or soul..he is just not HIM anymore..

atau..
hanya gua saja yang merasa seperti ini?hh...sebel pisan sama perasaan yang sama sekali ga menentu ky gini...d saat yang bersamaan, orang yang bersangkutan ndampak kulkul adem ayem aja sama sikap nya..dtanya malah ngm ga ngerasa seperti itu dan membalikkan pertanyaan..kesel jadi nya kadang2..
since i'm the most pathetic drama queen..yang selalu membawa satu masalah ke kondisi hidup gua yang laen..jadi kl d kondisi yang ini gua lagi bete sangath, ntar ujung2nya kmana2 juga bete bawaan nya..
kadang malah jadi sebel sama diri sendiri kl udah gini,,sampa kapan gua mau gini terus coba...

hari ini coba2 cari kegiatan, biar ga diem dan memikirkan hal mengesalkan itu lah\gi..tapi ternyata kurang begitu berhasil..karena kuping gua selalu siap sedia mendengar..sapa tau ada dering hape dan beralamatkan dari orang di seberang sana..dan hasil nya adalah NIHIL...NOL...ga ada satu kat aato bahkan satu huruf pun yang sampe k inbox gua..ato telepon dan bahkan satu miskol...
dan otak gua selalu kembali pada pertanyaan yang sama:
sudah jenuhkah dia pada saya?
semudah itukah seseorang jenuh akan sesuatu?
kalau iya, it's a most horrible thing for me..

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cry on my own shoulder

Thursday, May 01, 200812:39

where else i have to go now?
whose shoulder should i cry on?
i wish i can cry on my own shoulder...
i'm so tired of this life..

life being more cruel to me this time..
i have nowhere to go..
not to my best friend
not to my family
not even to him

even when i'm scream, no one would hear me..
not even me..
i don't hear the sound..
my own sound.

again i wish..
to cry on my own shoulder..

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