happy mother's day, dearest mom!!

so i and my lil sist and my big brother give mom a little surprise. we give her a tiramisu cake, we ate together and mom said the she was so sorry everytime she mad to any of us. and i cry in my heart. mom, dont ever say that, as i know, we deserve that. we never good enough for you. we always say bad things, do bad things and disappointed you. i feel so blessed to have a mom like you.

everyone must be think that their mom is the best. and i bet they are the best.
i always think, my whole life will never enough to payback what ever mom has done for me. from the moment she gave birth to me, i already owe her my whole life, and still count when she raise me, teach me everything, feed me, and so on. i will never ever could pay all of that. but mom said to me, i never have to pay all of that. seeing her sons and daugthers have a happy life, a better life from her life before will be the greatest payback ever.

sorry mom if i always disappointing you. but one thing for sure, i just want to see you happy. i want to see your smile again. i want to wash away all your pain. i promise someday i will make it come true. :)

i just cant believe this, 2011 is right around the corner. it's just feel like yesterday 2010 came. and everything just going so fast -too fast i guess-

this last few days i've been thinking so many things about my life. what i've done for me and foremost, for my loved ones, my mom. and i realized, i've done nothing except disappointed her by arguing with her all the time about every single thing.
and back then i was think, what my life's purpose is actually? to make my life happier? to make my mom happy? or we both? too bad life is always about choices and i have to choose one of them. i cant choose. i dont want to choose for sure. so here i am again, stuck at the crossroads.
i'm getting tired when my mom and the whole family always ask me when will i get married, who is my boyfriend now. i know i'm now 23, but why that makes everyone think that i will be getting older and wont get any husband because i'm old? marriage is not only the only purpose in my life. well yes, i know it's my onebig dream, to have a happily ever after family, but not with this way. i'm getting sick while everyone always have the same old story that tells me how bad the situation will when you choose the wrong person and get into your husband family who will torture you until you realized that you had choose the wrong person. -this is not drama, believe me, it's not that shitty sinetron thingy, it really happens in real world- and everyone get paranoid i would get into that devilish circle again. then they sum up a thing, i'm not smart enough to choose my own husband. i hate this.

i feel like i have double or triple personality,cos my mind always go like this:
"ok, make a choice, mom or yourself?"
"no way, we're not choices, we're all important."
"but too bad baby, you have to choose."
"well, i think, mom is the most important person in my life, cant you see she had sacrified everything for her children. so i vote mom."
"yeah, tell me about it. i know that. but will you sacrify your happiness marrying a guy that you dont even know? yes, you can make your mom happy and your life wont be that hard, but will you ever happy?"
"oh dont be so naive. what happiness means to you? money will always follow happiness word for this time. i mean, will you ever happy when you have a husband who love you but he doesnt have anything, bad temper, lack of intention, lazy, etc?"
"ok, just STOP IT! calm down darl, this is too much. just dont think about it. just let it flow."
"hey stupid, when you want to keep your life flowing, you HAVE TO CHOOSE which direction you want to flow in. so choose you moron, life wont wait."

i really hate this. so much.

January 12, 2010
Letting go pt.1

My friend sent me this via e-mail, thought you might want to read it as well..

Farah; Muskoka, Jan 12, 2010.

---

Here’s to all those girls who used to be his number one. The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller ID the next morning and be disappointed. The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened.

Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going.Here’s to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do
change. We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught crap from our parents, and even snuck around to see him for while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over
again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again.

We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming.Here’s to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days.

Here’s for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn’t possibly call us at that moment. This is for those great girls, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn’t bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder "what if". Here’s to the girls who couldn’t cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. This is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist.

Here’s for the time he broke your heart again.



i got it from here if u wondering:
http://monologue.posterous.com/

i mark all those words in my head. i hate to say this but i know i better of alone than to have fake friends. i hate it when they pretend to listen all of my stories. and then, say to the others that they're boring to hear all those stories again and again. sorry then, i'm not as strong as you. i started to feel comfort to become a undirect-extrovert, i keep all my stories for me and my twitter. i don't tell all my problem with them, knowing that too many people that is fake. yes, they listen to me. yes, they look like they care about my problem. but in the end, they're all just the same. backstabber. i started to enjoy to write all i want to write in my twitter account. i know maybe most of my tweets are about complaining this and that. but who cares? twitter doesn't backstabbed me.

oh sorry for complaining again. but who cares?

'dont ever assume.for it make an ASS between you and me.' ~anon

found some bad things to start this month. last night i suddenly feel so sad because somehow i feel i can get my own life. i stuck here without having my freedom to choose what i want with my life. i always envy those who can choose whatever they want to live their life. i'm not talking about my responsibility as the oldest daughter in this family. i take all that responsibility with all my heart, because i know that i have to do that for my mom for what she has done for me, for us as her children.
i'm talking about my private life. i envy them who can choose with who they would fall in love with, i envy them who has their freedom to go out with a guy that she falls in love with.
sometimes i wish i can have my own life, make my own choices, make my own decision without have any comment that describe how wrong i was to make that decision. i want my own life. i want to live alone. manage my own life.

and last night, what made everything worst was, my friend told me that he is sick. and he should have 2 month treatment in singapore. he didnt tell me what disease he suffered. but i feel that the disease must be bad. i feel like i'm the most selfish friend ever for him. i always talk about my problem and i didnt know that he is sick. we havent seen each other since april because he go overseas to get his master but we still talk via ym or twitter sometimes. i feel so bad because i didnt give any attention to his health. i hope he will be fine.


i just want to runaway. even just for a while.