i just cant believe this, 2011 is right around the corner. it's just feel like yesterday 2010 came. and everything just going so fast -too fast i guess-

this last few days i've been thinking so many things about my life. what i've done for me and foremost, for my loved ones, my mom. and i realized, i've done nothing except disappointed her by arguing with her all the time about every single thing.
and back then i was think, what my life's purpose is actually? to make my life happier? to make my mom happy? or we both? too bad life is always about choices and i have to choose one of them. i cant choose. i dont want to choose for sure. so here i am again, stuck at the crossroads.
i'm getting tired when my mom and the whole family always ask me when will i get married, who is my boyfriend now. i know i'm now 23, but why that makes everyone think that i will be getting older and wont get any husband because i'm old? marriage is not only the only purpose in my life. well yes, i know it's my onebig dream, to have a happily ever after family, but not with this way. i'm getting sick while everyone always have the same old story that tells me how bad the situation will when you choose the wrong person and get into your husband family who will torture you until you realized that you had choose the wrong person. -this is not drama, believe me, it's not that shitty sinetron thingy, it really happens in real world- and everyone get paranoid i would get into that devilish circle again. then they sum up a thing, i'm not smart enough to choose my own husband. i hate this.

i feel like i have double or triple personality,cos my mind always go like this:
"ok, make a choice, mom or yourself?"
"no way, we're not choices, we're all important."
"but too bad baby, you have to choose."
"well, i think, mom is the most important person in my life, cant you see she had sacrified everything for her children. so i vote mom."
"yeah, tell me about it. i know that. but will you sacrify your happiness marrying a guy that you dont even know? yes, you can make your mom happy and your life wont be that hard, but will you ever happy?"
"oh dont be so naive. what happiness means to you? money will always follow happiness word for this time. i mean, will you ever happy when you have a husband who love you but he doesnt have anything, bad temper, lack of intention, lazy, etc?"
"ok, just STOP IT! calm down darl, this is too much. just dont think about it. just let it flow."
"hey stupid, when you want to keep your life flowing, you HAVE TO CHOOSE which direction you want to flow in. so choose you moron, life wont wait."

i really hate this. so much.