found some bad things to start this month. last night i suddenly feel so sad because somehow i feel i can get my own life. i stuck here without having my freedom to choose what i want with my life. i always envy those who can choose whatever they want to live their life. i'm not talking about my responsibility as the oldest daughter in this family. i take all that responsibility with all my heart, because i know that i have to do that for my mom for what she has done for me, for us as her children.
i'm talking about my private life. i envy them who can choose with who they would fall in love with, i envy them who has their freedom to go out with a guy that she falls in love with.
sometimes i wish i can have my own life, make my own choices, make my own decision without have any comment that describe how wrong i was to make that decision. i want my own life. i want to live alone. manage my own life.

and last night, what made everything worst was, my friend told me that he is sick. and he should have 2 month treatment in singapore. he didnt tell me what disease he suffered. but i feel that the disease must be bad. i feel like i'm the most selfish friend ever for him. i always talk about my problem and i didnt know that he is sick. we havent seen each other since april because he go overseas to get his master but we still talk via ym or twitter sometimes. i feel so bad because i didnt give any attention to his health. i hope he will be fine.


i just want to runaway. even just for a while.